i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
