Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can you bring me the toilet please
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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