She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
