This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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