i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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