After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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