Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
