I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
