Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
