So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
