wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
