i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
