awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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