OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
