I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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