Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
