my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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