Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
