things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
