I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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