It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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