I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
