Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
