Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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