i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
