I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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