Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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