I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
