after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
