a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
