i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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