Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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