I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
