Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
