Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
