yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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