did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
