how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
