Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
