I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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