put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
