dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
