Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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