At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
