I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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