I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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