Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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