you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
