I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
