Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
