we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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