Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
