I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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