I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
