You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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