His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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