Got a toothbrush?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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