I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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